Between a rock and a headcase
by Pranksta
Summary: In which Ancient tech, idiots, treasure chests and a forest that looks nothing like B.C. come together to turn Ronon into a cowboy, make Teyla lighter than air, bring Sheppard down and ruin McKay's day. Life as usual for the team!
1. Chapter 1

I'm sorry you were dragged into this Angela…but, as always, your input has made this far better than it should be.

**Notes:** Team silliness and stupidity combined with some cursing and a bit of blood.

No spoilers, and nothing sinister going on in there, it's just a little bit of fun.

**Warning:** Any questions pertaining to the how's and why's of this fic, its OCs, devices, situations and possible IQ-damaging qualities will be met with a blank stare, crazed giggle and the smearing of chocolate cake over face. Clever, serious or relatively sane people should abstain from reading further. Thank you.

**Chapter the First: Back in Black**

Planet inhabited by mostly-cloistered monks who spend the better part of their days praying for the deliverance of the galaxy, or growing silly little fruits that apparently carried purity deep in their core. Yeah…right…

A simple mission; nothing would go wrong Rodney had thought. It seemed he'd grown complacent, forgetting about the Sheppard Curse, which stated that wherever the man went trouble followed. Not the fun kind of trouble either, not the 'drink 'til you drop and wake the next morning in a haze of perfume and other assorted feminine scents wondering how the heck you got there' kind.

No, this scenario lacked certain elements, namely, the woman and the languorous satiation coupled with a pounding headache indicative of a night well watered and well spent. There was none of the soft morning light, only impenetrable darkness. It reeked of fear and sweat and left him lying beside an unconscious body that he would recognise anywhere, having spent too long a time in close proximity to it to ignore its particular scent. The slackness pressed against him was terrifying, bringing back memories he preferred to leave buried. He moved to a sitting position, leaning back against a cold surface which could've been anything, hidden in the darkness as it was.

"Sheppard." Rodney felt the rough fabric of the jacket and the edge of the vest under his skin as his fingers curled around a bony shoulder, shaking it roughly. There was the sound of movement on the other side of the man he was attempting to wake.

"McKay?" a low, grumbling voice inquired. Ronon shuffled on his feet, taking care to stay in contact with the wall.

"Sheppard…he's not…he's…" Rodney breathed in deeply. He felt for a pulse as he lowered his ear over the approximated position of the man's mouth. There was a slow, steady beat against the tip of his fingers and a small puff of warm air tickled his skin. Relieved, he pulled back.

"Speak, I can't see you." Ronon was moving too slow. He kept one hand on the wall, assuring himself he would eventually find his way around the area in which they were. At least their voices didn't reverberate; therefore, the room had to be of small proportion.

"Oh right, yes, yes, it's dark isn't it? It's really dark and Sheppard's okay, he's breathing and all that, I checked. Which only leaves Teyla? Teyla? Are you here? Teyla? Teyla? Teyla?"

Ronon listened to McKay's rambling with a fondness he found incongruous. This was in no way a good situation, and yet he couldn't help thinking that it was impossibly normal in its precariousness, though the lack of response from Teyla was unnerving.

"Teyla? Teyla! TEYLA! Damn it! Teyla answer! TEYLA EMMAGAN, you answer me right this minute!" Rodney had to pause at what he had voiced. "This is not good, I'm channelling my mother! Not good at all so you better let me know where you are Teyla or else I'll AAAAAH!"

"Just me." Ronon's foot had encountered a bulky form, unmistakably McKay in its agitation. He lowered himself into a crouch and advanced his hand cautiously, sighing when he encountered a boot. He continued to move his hand, patting lightly. Skinny legs: Sheppard. His right hand glided over the wall, palms facing the room, searching.

"Hey!"

"What?"

"That's my face!"

"Knew that, felt ugly."

"Oh ha ha. Shouldn't we be looking for Teyla instead of trading insults over each other's physical attributes?"

"We're not trading. I spoke the truth and you got offended like a jarkell."

"What's a jarkell?"

"You." Ronon moved around the perimeter of the room, intent on reuniting his team.

"Incredibly smart and dashing good looks?"

"Sure."

"You're spending too much time with Sheppard."

"Sure." Ronon had indeed picked up a few of his 'appease the scientist' tricks.

"Oh God! You're turning into him as we speak!"

"Sure." Diverting the fear into annoyance like a pro.

"I can hear you shrug! This is bad; we need Teyla to set you straight! Find her!"

"Just did." Which he had. Luckily, she lay a few feet away her head pressed against the wall. He checked for a pulse and breath; both were accounted for. He patted up and down her body, gently, searching for reasons not to move her, but she didn't seem hurt. He picked her up, cradled the tiny frame to his chest and, keeping his left side against the wall, traced his steps back to McKay.

"She alright?"

"Yeah, think so."

"Good, that's good. We're all here, no one's dead. This is definitely much better than previous missions."

"Yeah." Ronon lowered Teyla's light body beside Sheppard and sat beside her, tapping her cheek, wanting so much to hear her speak.

"Sheppard! Wake up, you lazy bum!"

The sharp sound of skin against skin reached Ronon's ear. He wasn't the only one who felt the strain. "Don't slap him."

"I didn't slap him! I just…" Rodney searched for a plausible explanation before he _felt_ Ronon's eyebrow shoot up and that strange grin he'd taken a liking to spread. "Ok, fine, I slapped him, a little. He should wake up! You hear, Sheppard, you should wake up!"

"I…try to avoid…grating voice…"

"Sheppard!" Hands scrambled for the man's face, feeling the flutter of eyelashes as fingers ventured to close to eyes.

"Get off." John's hands rose to grab Rodney's wrists and pushed them firmly away from the vicinity of his throbbing head. He settled a palm over his forehead and rubbed to alleviate the headache. "What's up?"

"Oh well not much, you know, just hanging out." Rodney mimicked John's cool and casual attitude before resorting back to nature. "What's up! What's _up_! We're in some kind of very dark place, held by who knows who for who knows what and you're suddenly the neighbourhood's dude? What's wrong with you?"

"Oooookaaaaay…Ronon?"

"Dark, stone-walled, small. All accounted for, threat unknown."

"Waiting?"

"Yeah."

"Oh God! You've both become pre-verbal! I don't believe this! Stuck in a box with Cro-Magnon and the Gang! I'm sick of this you know, being captured by everyone! Damn galaxy filled with homicidal morons!"

"Alright, calm yourself down." John groaned as he sat up, his hand locking on Rodney's forearm for leverage. Rodney's hand shot out to assist. "We don't know anything yet, could be they want help and think this is the only way to get it."

"Or, Colonel, it's entirely too possible that they want to stone, whip, bleed and lynch us. For sports."

"I'll go with my evaluation of the situation if you don't mind." John smiled in satisfaction, enjoying the simple task of bringing Rodney out of the Mindset of Doom and toward reassuring ground, like the Pleasure of Righteous Ranting.

"You're an idiot! A complete idiot! You do know the world is not all rainbows and butterflies right? It has come to your attention that we've met evil people a lot more often then nice, friendly, here-have-some-food people?"

"As a matter of fact it has, Rodney, and thanks for reminding us of all the time we've escaped these supposedly evil people." If he hadn't been a grown man in pain, John would've done a little dance of Rodney-stumping.

"Ah…well…I…oh fine then! Get us out of here!"

"I will. Ronon?"

The man couldn't be seen, but could be heard moving, slowly, deliberately through the room. They were surrounded by stone. One rough, irregular but apparently seamless slab of stone. The ceiling stretched not even a foot above his head, which, granted, would make this a fairly tall space, but he felt better knowing it was hardly as tall as he. "Stone, no openings, rough edges, ceiling about half a foot above my head. There's nothing but rock."

"Let's…wait and see."

"Wow, that's a great plan! Wait and see. Is that before of after you realise it's as dark as ink in here? No wonder you got promoted, you're obviously a military mastermind!"

"Shut it, McKay."

A small whimpering sound saved them from McKay's retort. Instead of answering in all his offended glory, Rodney reached out and slowly deposited his hand on Teyla's leg. "Teyla?"

"Ro'ney?"

"You alright?" John moved and placed a hand on the top of her head.

"… am well…"

"Ok, don't move, just rest a little."

She nodded, but they only heard the sound. "Where…"

"We don't know, don't worry 'bout it." John stroked her hair once before reclaiming his spot on the cold ground beside McKay.

"Does anyone actually remember what happened?" Surprisingly enough, Rodney hadn't wondered about their situation yet, which he supposed was quite a good thing. Sheppard's unending annoyingness had prevented him from worrying about it. "Last thing I remember is walking through the gate."

"You got hit first. Saw you fall like rocks before they got me." Ronon hadn't liked the feeling watching Teyla, Sheppard then McKay fall had brought on. He'd only had time to contemplate the unfairness of it all, yet another mission that brought peril to their lives, before his limbs had turned to liquid and he'd been falling as well.

"Who got us?"

"Don't know. Just saw you fall."

"That's so not good. We don't know where we are, who brought us here, what they want. We can't even see! There could be dead people littering the floor just across the room."

"Rodney! Come on!"

"There isn't, I checked the perimeter."

"Ok, but what about the middle! The middle of the room could be a communal grave!" Rodney sniffed purposefully at the air. "There. You smell that? It definitely smells like decay of some kind."

"It's your brain that's decaying, McKay! There are no dead body in here…"John bumped his shoulder companionably. "Don't freak; it'll be fine."

No one spoke of the cold fear that gripped their insides, the questions that gnawed at their minds. Where they in far worse danger than could be expected?

"Yeah, ok, it'll be fine. I don't believe you, but I'll hold you to it. I swear, Sheppard, if we don't make it back to Atlantis in one piece, all of us, I'll hold you accountable and…do something very bad…so bad in fact, I can't even describe it!"

"You do that, McKay." John shifted, spreading his legs, letting his knee rest against McKay's, offering and drawing comfort from the warmth of contact. He felt the leg move, a body scoot minutely closer and couldn't help the smile that tugged at his lips with the knowledge that he was needed, that no matter what happened, McKay still turned to him. "We'll get out of this."

At that moment, John would've been quite happy to know he was right, though the exit he envisioned was not quite the same the man standing on the other side of the wall had in mind.

Akhos smiled before laying his hand on the rock and stepping back as it shifted. He watched as the rock cleared and the occupants of the room came into view, though they were unaware of any changes, the cleared space only visible from the outside. Three men and a woman.

Akhos was going to enjoy this.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you, Angela, you are my hero.

**Notes: **Thanks for the comments, you guys! I hope your IQ is as high as it used to be :)

**Chapter the Second: Falling for the first time.**

John sat beside McKay, listening to the man's mumblings. His headache had receded, Teyla was coherent once more, Ronon was sharpening his knives filling the room with a schick-schick and giving John a quick jolt of my-team-is-great pride. The warmth from Rodney's body seeping into his was just an extra touch of the familiar. Until it wasn't anymore.

"AAAAAAAAH!"

Sheppard felt the heat disappear and the fleeting brush of a hand as it fought for purchase on his pant leg. He moved, attempting to grab the hand, but missed by an inch, feeling the air move as the hand was drawn – pulled – away. Sheppard struggled to stand and forced his eyes to open wider, hoping for the sudden ability to see in the dark. "Rodney!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"RODNEY!" Sheppard heard Teyla and Ronon's voices, shouting as he was.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Rodney shouted back.

"What are you doing?" John asked, stupidly. It's not as if Rodney was doing anything; he was going because someone, or something, was taking him. John heard the drag of cloth against rock, a quiet sound he would describe as "schmulp" and a long, falling-in-the-well kind of scream. A long, falling-in-the-well, girlish, scared-out-of-his-mind Rodney kind of scream growing fainter and fainter.

"RODNEY!" He hurried to the scientist's last heard location before the harrowing experience repeated itself. There was a surprised cry, the same drag of cloth and Teyla's falling-in-the-well scream. Sheppard noted automatically that it was considerably less high-pitched than Rodney's had been, but refused to acknowledge the humour in that. It was a reflex, by now, taking and storing funny Rodney-moments. This was excruciatingly unfunny.

It was even less funny when Sheppard let out his own scream, leaving it hanging in the air for Ronon to hear. He felt a tendril, a _something,_ wrap around his waist and pull. He plummeted, face first, to the ground and felt it open under him. Solid rock was suddenly malleable Play-Doh, and he was being pulled through. He felt the substance holding him recede before he was hurled through a large cylinder. It was smooth all around him, though Sheppard kept his skin far away from the friction a fall at this velocity would generate. After some time spent in freefall, with only the sound of whistling air as company, John saw light coming from below. Light, at the end of the tunnel. You weren't supposed to go to it before your time. This wasn't John's time, but he went to it; he had no choice in the matter, gravity took care of that.

**--OOOOO--**

Ronon opened his eyes to a less than pleasing sight: a big frowning face.

"Good! You're awake! Get dressed; you're scarring me for life."

"McKay," Ronon growled, pushing the crowding man away. He lifted himself on his elbows, looked down at his naked body and a bit further down until he could see clothes piled at his feet. McKay had already retreated to the other side of the room, crossing his arms and tapping his foot impatiently.

Ronon stood leisurely, stretched languidly and scratched his stomach, which earned him an impatient huff. He reached for his clothes and put them on, looking in his mind for an explanation. It took him a moment to realise he had a better data-bank just a few feet away. "What happened?"

"You don't remember? You don't remember. How could you forget that? Oh, no! You don't have amnesia, do you? Do you know who I am? Do you know who you are?" McKay drew closer, all blustering concern and impatience.

Ronon stared at McKay before answering. "Something grabbed us."

"Yes, yes. Something grabbed us. I fell through a tube. Did you?" Rodney was pacing the room, alarm rising, exuding nervous energy.

"Yeah. After?"

"I only know I fell and woke up here." He indicated the room.

Ronon turned away from his team-mate, noting the rocky enclosure in which they found themselves. He reached out, rubbed the wall with his hand and concluded they were in a room similar to the one they had occupied before falling through the ground.

"Good news, I don't feel sick, or hurt, or feverish. Do you?"

"I'm good."

"Yes, well, aren't you always? The point is, we're not harmed, we're dressed, there's food there," Rodney said, pointing to a rather large table covered with wares. "We're missing half our team and – what are you doing! Don't eat – ah, come on!"

Ronon thought food would help with his general mood, and it did. As he sank his teeth into moist sweet bread, he felt nothing but goodwill toward his fellow men. That is until McKay resumed his yapping.

"Don't eat that! Are you insane? They could be drugging us! You can't be drugged! I've, uh misplaced my gun and we've lost Sheppard and Teyla. You need to be alert."

Ronon ran a quick stroking finger over his _Adored_ and reached for more of the bread. "Eat, it's good. Sheppard and Teyla can take care of themselves." Ronon didn't think the other half of the team was in a much different situation than he and McKay were.

"Yeah?"

Ronon nodded as he stuffed his face. He took a deep swallow from the glass and watched McKay come closer to the table, select a piece of bread and sniff it prissily. Ronon was certain it would be fine. It didn't taste anything like lemon, or lime, or oranges or those weird things from P3M 2F6. It was better to be well fed than be forced to fight and escape on an empty stomach, especially when he had sole responsibility of McKay. Ronon had learned his lesson well. McKay was the civilian, McKay had to be protected, McKay had to be watched. McKay was not to be lost, left alone, or injured. McKay was _not_ to die. Under no circumstances would Sheppard allow his scientist to come to harm. If Ronon wanted on the team, Sheppard had said, he had to understand that McKay was the token ignoramus civilianus. Whilst Ronon had been unfamiliar with the expression, he'd known Sheppard had been serious despite the smirk he'd exhibited at the time. The science team was the core of Atlantis. They were precious; they were to be safeguarded at any cost. Ronon knew how to follow orders, how to fulfil his mission. He would get McKay back to Atlantis in one piece, if not completely healthy, and would certainly get some food into him. He'd learned that lesson too: a hungry McKay made the idea of shooting him much more appealing than it usually was.

Ronon ate and drank his fill, McKay keeping up with him after a moment's hesitation. Once they were happily replete, they shared their thoughts on the next sequence of events.

"We find Sheppard, Teyla, and go."

"Yes, great plan, Behemoth. The tricky part is _how_." Rodney rolled his eyes. He reached for his pack, laying in the corner, and kept a loud monologue going. "They didn't take anything. Makes you wonder what kind of morons they are. They probably don't know how any of this works, or what it does. They can't see the threat I represent." He released a small, mocking laugh. "And that makes them the kind of moron I like."

Rodney stood, his gaze locked on his screen. He held his gizmos as he slowly made his way around the room. He made humming sounds, huffing sounds; normal sounds that did not alert Ronon. It was only when he let out a pleased, and rather fond, "there you are," that Ronon drew closer.

"Found something?"

Rodney ignored him.

"McKay."

"Yes, yes, give it a minute!"

There were a few more minutes of hum and hawing. Ronon stood close to Rodney, not enough to be of annoyance, but enough to pull him out if the wall decided McKay would be a tasty treat. It didn't. Instead, it gave in to McKay's impertinent insistence that it do what he wanted. The rocky surface parted silently and without difficulty, drawing Ronon toward the conclusion that it was _not_ stone.

They stepped out into a roofless, stone-walled structure. From atop the curved walls encircling them, hundreds of faces stared.

Ronon drew his weapon out.

"Oh. This isn't good," Rodney said, stepping on Ronon's shadow in an effort to barricade himself behind the mountainous man.


	3. Chapter 3

Angela! Words fail me...as usual...LOVE!

**Notes:** Forget playing Bingo, happiness is this bit of silliness receiving such nice comments! Yeah you guys! Yeah! Also, I'm sorry, Sheppard might be a bit too happy, but let's pretend it makes sense, ok? For the sake of...well...of nothing, really.

**Chapter the Third: Come together.**

"This is…different," John said, raising his P-90.

Sheppard looked up at the quiet crowd. The stony stands towered above Teyla and himself filled with solemn-faced people. There was a small alcove, richly decorated, holding an equally ornate man and his court, it seemed. Tapestries hung from the banister upon which the man leaned. There were carvings above the only richly dressed group depicting scenes that did nothing to ease Sheppard's worries. The tiny carved people seemed to be screaming a whole lot, and that was rarely a good sign.

"Colonel?"

"Teyla?"

"I believe Ronon is standing across the way."

Following Teyla's pointing finger and the distinctive sound of Ronon's weapon charging, he saw his team-mate. "Good! That's good!"

"He appears to be alone." Teyla looked to the left and the right. "Rodney is missing."

"Well. Shit." Sheppard had taken a few steps toward Ronon, who had yet to see them, busy scanning the crowds. "Ronon!"

Ronon looked their way and started to move. Rodney could be seen, no longer hidden in his shadow.

"There's McKay!" Sheppard tried, hard, to see the positive. They were all alive. Good. They were all together. Good. They seemed to be standing in a Roman arena, which, John knew from his childhood obsession with gladiators, were usually filled with big, sword-yielding men, or lions. Or both. Bad, but maybe his luck was changing because the big sword-yielding man in the ring was on his team, he knew the lion was all roar and no bite, and hey, Teyla was here! His day could've been worse…and weapon-less.

Before the two halves of Atlantis' first contact team could meet, a commanding voice pulled their attention.

"I am Akhos the Taskmaster! I have brought Masterich Povall these Taskings."

The crowd pulled out short metal tubes and the silent arena quickly filled with the cling-cling-cling of metal hitting metal.

Akhos raised a hand to silence them. He was a tall man, with a bulging stomach that stretched his mustard-yellow tunic. He wore what Sheppard figured were tights of a rather disturbing brown colouring. Brown hair, longish but thinning, fell over his eyes as he spoke with expansive movements of his arms.

"We are gathered here today to celebrate the glory that is Masterich Povall; he, who has provided for us all, who has generously given his youngest daughter as prize for the Tasks!" At these words, Akhos sent a lecherous smile in the direction of the young girl to which John had paid scarce attention. She was too young, barely a teenager.

Sheppard couldn't help but smirk at the hateful glare the girl sent Akhos' way.

The man turned back to the crowd, choosing to ignore the girl's less than stellar reaction. "Rise in honour of Masterich Povall and the fair maiden that shall soon wear the Akhos name."

The crowd rose and the cling-cling-cling of metal returned. The man, whom Sheppard supposed was that Master guy, stood and waved regally. He wore a blue velvety-looking tunic that stopped at mid-thigh under a long, lighter blue robe. The shoulders pads were ridiculously oversized, making a sweeping arc each side of his head, rising about a metre in the air. Upon his head sat a top hat of the same velvety blue as the tunic. He looked completely ridiculous and a bit like a cross-dressing king, if such a thing had existed in ancient times.

Sheppard, Teyla, Ronon and McKay were nearing each other, having walked slowly across the expanse of the arena. It stretched further than a football field and they had been standing on opposite sides. When they were less than five feet from each other, Akhos' speech went from praising Masterich Povall to talking about them. No, not about them. To them.

"You! Masterich Povall's Taskings, as provided by myself, still where you stand!"

They did. It wouldn't do to anger a whole crowd armed with metal tubing. That was all Akhos had to say to them. He returned his attention to the crowd. Thinking there didn't seem to be any immediate threat to their lives, the team closed the gap between then and stood shoulder to shoulder.

"I present to you, the First Dyad and the Last Dyad! As you can see, the Prime-Taskings are vigorous and strong while the Sub-Taskings are meek and pitiable. They are in perfect disharmony; they shall work with a un-ease that will be most rewarding." Akhos paused, beaming at the crowd, at the court occupying the alcove with him, at the team, at the sand beneath their feet, at the sky .He beamed at everyone and everything. "It is now time for the Taskings to be given their Tasks!"

A door lifted, under the alcove holding Akhos and the court. Sheppard's stomach lurched at the thought of lions and giant armour-decked bloodthirsty savages fighting for their freedom. What came out was a lot less alarming.

"Ferris wheel!"

"That is _not_ a Ferris wheel, it's the Wheel of Fortune, and will you get over yourself, you don't even like Ferris wheels! It's just a thing you do with the persona, pretend you like completely pointless childish things to get the women to melt!"

"Only you could cheapen a precious childhood memory with one sentence," Sheppard said, sighing lengthily to illustrate the great emotional distress in which he now found himself. "It looks like a Ferris wheel. Look, it has little benches."

"They're not benches and you're full of it. Precious childhood memory, yeah right, you have as many of those as I do!"

"What are they then, genius, if they're not benches?" John decided to let his precious memories lie.

McKay was silent for a moment, peering intently at the wheel that was being pushed their way. He finally reached a conclusion. "They look like treasure chests."

"Oh yeah! Treasures!" Sheppard was a bit too excited, considering their present position. They had been taken on a mission, sucked down strange tubes, woken up naked, with no memories of where they had been or how much time had passed. Sheppard had thought it had been a while, judging by the ravenous hunger he'd felt. Now it seemed they were heading for a whole lot of trouble, but…this was a little bit cool, wasn't it? If he read about this in a report, he would probably be jealous that he hadn't been there. Of course, how this would all end had the potential to change that.

"Sheppard," Rodney, the ultimate killjoy, said. "This isn't fun. This is a mission gone wrong. This is our possible death. This is me waking a naked Ronon. This is us coming out of water slides, without the water, onto the set of Gladiator. This is us not enjoying this."

"Yeah. Alright."

"Oh, don't give me that look! I didn't take your toy away! I just told you to stop running with scissors!" Rodney glared. Sheppard was prevented further argument by Akhos reclaiming his place in the proverbial spotlight.

"I present to you, The Wheel of Tasks!"

Rodney said, smugly, "See, told you. Wheel of Fortune."

"I don't think we're getting a prize."

Ronon and Teyla regarded each other before rolling their eyes, used to the nebulous TV references that littered the Earthlings' everyday conversation.

"My son, Akhos the Thirty-seventh, will send the Wheel on the quest for Tasks."

Excitement rolled over the crowd; this was a big event. Sheppard wished he understood a lot more than he did. He assumed he and Teyla would be sent out to fulfil the chosen tasks, as would Rodney and Ronon, and that was as far as he had gotten in his reflection when a young man, dressed in the same terrible yellow and brown colour scheme as his father, came from behind the Wheel and sent it whirling.

The crowd held its breath. The Wheel spun and spun and spun. Akhos the Thirty-seventh posed by it, drawing an avid gaze from the daughter of the Masterich. His long brown hair artistically fell over his green left eye as he slouched. His tunic, unlike his father's, sported a v-neck through which a pale, skinny, downy chest peeked. Long lanky legs were crossed, just so, at the ankles.

The Wheel stopped spinning; the son stopped posing and lifted the treasure chest. He walked to the team's emplacement, deposited the chest before Ronon and went back to the Wheel.

Akhos the Thirty-seventh spun the Wheel three more times and deposited three more chests before the remaining team-members. When it was done, he returned to his posing by the Wheel giving the spotlight back to his father.

Akhos grabbed it eagerly. "We shall now see what the Taskings will have the honour to accomplish! You! Prime-Tasking of the First Dyad, open your Seeker's Box."

No one moved. Sheppard wondered why people always assumed they wanted honour.

Akhos leaned over the balustrade of the alcove and pointed. "You! Prime-Tasking of the First Dyad, open your Seeker's Box!"

Rodney twitched and scratched his nose, but otherwise, no one moved.

Akhos leaned further and spoke louder. "You! Prime-Tasking of the First Dyad, open your Seeker's Box."

Sheppard had had enough. "We don't know what you mean!"

Akhos made a derisive sound. "Akhos the Thirty-seventh, indicate the Seeker's Box for the Prime-Tasking of the First Dyad."

Akhos the Thirty-seventh un-posed and strolled casually to the team. Once there, he eyed them suspiciously. He seemed unable to reach a decision and turned to his father. "Akhos the Taskmaster! Which is the First Dyad?"

Akhos the Taskmaster turned a bright shade of red as the maiden he sought giggled and the Masterich frowned. "The most impressive one, my son. The most impressive one is always the Prime-Tasking of the First Dyad!"

The son moved to stand before Teyla. His father's shout stopped his movement toward the treasure chest. "NO! No my son! The most impressive in _stature_! Allow not your lustful judgement to guide you! The knowledge you possess of the value of a man should guide you toward the one furthest from your Masterich!"

The son looked at the alcove where sat the Masterich. He looked at Ronon, who stood furthest away from said alcove. He looked back at the alcove, then back at Ronon.

Rodney was boiling. "Oh for God's sake! It's him! It's Ronon! He's the biggest one and he's furthest away from that guy." He grabbed Akhos the Thirty-seventh's sleeve and pulled him to Ronon. "Him!"

Akhos the Thirty-seventh smiled stupidly. "Oh. Open the Seeker's Box."

Rodney huffed. Ronon grunted and bent forward to do just that.

Sheppard felt the thrill of anticipation and looked at the treasure chest with eager interest.


	4. Chapter 4

Angela! Yes! Party!

**Notes:** Don't think about it, ok? Thanks :)

**Chapter the Fourth: You can't always get what you want.**

Teyla stood between Rodney and Ronon, watching as the latter open the box that had been placed before him. He had only to touch it for the lid to lift and a holographic image to appear. It showed a large animal, four long horns sitting atop its head. It ran on five legs as thick as cider barrels, the lonely front one looking more decorative than practical, and its width seemed equal to twice Elizabeth's desk.

The cling-cling of metal tubes colliding drew Teyla's attention back from the image. Akhos' voice boomed over the sound.

"The Prime-Tasking of the First Dyad will face a herd of Trucks."

"Did he say Trucks? Those things are called Trucks? No, no, no. I don't want to be on Ronon's team! Can I change team? Hey! Hello! Can I change team?"

Sheppard quickly restrained Rodney, getting him under control with a cutting jibe. Teyla returned her attention to Akhos.

"You! Prime-Tasking of the Last Dyad! Open your Seeker's box!"

"Is that me?" Sheppard asked Akhos the Thirty-seventh, which was not as fruitful as one would imagine. Receiving a glazed gaze in response, Sheppard turned to Teyla. "That's me, right?"

"I believe so." Teyla nodded, as indulgent as always when faced with John Sheppard's incomprehension in the face of other world's customs. She had understood, from Akhos' earlier instruction to his son, that women were not highly praised. If Ronon and Rodney were paired as the First Dyad, then she and John were the Last Dyad, and she was certainly not the Prime-Tasking, for she was neither man nor impressive in stature. Another clue had come from the crowd, the men occupying the frontal seats while the women were left to stand at the back, the very far and high back. She gave a thought to the impressiveness of John Sheppard's stature as opposed to Rodney McKay's, but went no further. She had visited those thoughts already and had moved past them as she grew to see these men as brothers.

"Here goes nothing." Sheppard bent forward and laid a hand on the box, just as Ronon had done. The lid lifted and a hologram appeared. This one depicted large concentric circles, one inside the other, all sporting a door upon which rested Ancient symbols. It seemed to be a puzzling challenge and Teyla breathed easier. The colonel was good with riddles, when they did not pertain to human beings, always figured them out in the end.

Akhos allowed the crowd to show their appreciation before speaking once more. "The Prime-Taskings have been granted their Tasks; let us see what the Sub-Taskings will bring upon them! You! Sub-Tasking of the First –"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Open the Seeker's box," Rodney interrupted loudly as he bent forward, reaching out for his box. Unsurprisingly, the lid lifted and a hologram appeared. Contraptions, devices, and boxes were pilled high in a stony room, none of which Teyla recognised, though she had no doubt Rodney would succeed in his Task, whatever it might be. It was apparent in his satisfied demeanour that he had every confidence in his abilities.

The crowd approved of the Task, and Akhos declared, "The Sub-Tasking of the First Dyad will find the Core of Stone and allow it to operate once more."

Rodney huffed a little laugh. "Not so bad, give me five minutes with those."

Now came Teyla's turn. She allowed Akhos to say his piece before placing her hand on the box. Her hologram depicted a raging river over which hung a taut rope.

"The Sub-Tasking of the Last Dyad will cross the waters of the Floritan, without a drop of its purest liquid being wasted on her. She will take the vial, as offered by the Masterich, and return with an offering. Akhos the Thirty-seventh will now bring the Wheel of Tasks to its resting place." Akhos the Taskmaster waited for his son to un-slouch. Waited, and waited, and waited. "AKHOS the Thirty-seventh will NOW bring the Wheel of Tasks to its RESTING PLACE!" He waited, his face growing redder with every passing second.

Teyla watched, amused, as Akhos the Thirty-seventh continued to examine the Masterich's daughter, eyes hidden under his wispy brown hair. She grew further amused, as did Sheppard who chuckled softly, seeing Akhos the Taskmaster grow redder under the Masterich's glare.

"AKHOS THE THIRTY-SEVENTH!"

The young man called jumped, startled, and drew his gaze away from the maiden to rest it on his father.

"You will now bring the Wheel of Tasks to its resting place."

The young man nodded and set to his work

"Once Akhos the Thirty-seventh has returned, "Akhos the Taskmaster said, glaring in the directing of his son, "he will accompany you to the edge of the Tasked Woods and set you on your way. For now, please, stand below the Masterich and allow the crowd to bless you with their offerings."

They did as was asked. Sheppard led the way, his casual swagger sending the women in a fit of giggles and whispers. Rodney followed with much less grace. Teyla observed the people in the alcove and Ronon closed the march. One they were standing below the alcove, the metal tubes where dropped to the ground in a loud clatter and colourful objects appeared in the hands of the men. The women continued to eye Sheppard and Ronon as one would a particularly appetising meal.

Teyla soon discovered that the colourful objects were a wide variety of fruits and vegetables, as one landed squarely on Rodney's chest.

"Hey! What's your problem?" Rodney moved to stand behind Ronon, who moved a step to the right in time to allow a juicy purple projectile to hit Rodney in the stomach.

Very soon, they were all covered in different food.

"This is the weirdest place we've ever been."

Teyla had to agree with John's evaluation. "Yes. I have never heard of such a wasteful practice."

Ronon was licking his fingers as Rodney tried to avoid a fleshy orange fruit. "Orange! Orange! Help!"

Ronon, in his beastly manner, picked up a bit of the fruit from McKay's vest and brought it to his mouth. This gave Rodney pause. "Eew! What's _your_ problem!"

"Not orange. You're safe," he said, nodding. When Rodney turned away in a huff, Ronon smiled wickedly.

John returned his attention to Akhos when he rose and spoke. "I, Akhos the Taskmaster, declare these Taskings ready! Akhos the Thirty-seventh will now lead them to the Tasking Woods."

"They're not really creative with the names, are they?" John asked Teyla, who smiled in response.

Akhos the Thirty-seventh beckoned to them and they followed.

As they left the arena, Akhos' voice could be heard. "Place your bets! You have only a short time! Come one come all and place your bets! Who will be victorious? Who will suffer a tragic death? Who will complete their Tasks! How many reminders will they require?"

"Tragic death!" Rodney said, turning wide eyes to his Prime-Tasking.

"We won't die," Ronon said in a conspiring tone.

Rodney nodded. Akhos the Thirty-seventh led them to the edge of the woods and turned to them. He handed the Prime-Taskings, and ignored the way Rodney quickly snatched it from Ronon's hand, a small slab of stone or what resembled stone, and explained what they were expected to do in a bored voice. "These are the Tasking Woods, etched on stone. You will follow and find you path. The first task encountered will be the Sub-Tasking's duty, for there lies the greatest chance of failure and the Prime-Tasking should be given a chance to do his duty without burden. Once you have accomplished your Task, the way will be shown to you. Trust the stone; it is your greatest ally."

He turned to leave, but seemed to recall a detail. "Prime-Taskings are forbidden to harm the Sub-Taskings. Protect them if you can, for there will be great reward for Dyads who return complete. Now, go forth and conquer." He turned and walked away. He froze, turned around and walked back to them, fishing for something in his pocket. He retrieved a small vial and handed it to Teyla, a weird look upon his face. "You will fill this with the water flowing through the centre of the Floritan and offer it to the Masterich." Akhos the Thirty-seventh took a step forward, bringing him in Teyla's personal space. "You can return it to me; I will see it gets to the Masterich."

Teyla took the vial as well as a step away from the young man who was dubiously flirting with her. He smiled once more before finally departing. They waited for him to turn around, but he didn't, disappearing into the stone arena that stood a few hundred metres away.

"Ok, that, that was _so_ not good."

"You figured that out just now, McKay? Did the locking us in a black rocky hole not do it for you?"

"Can I switch teams," Rodney answered, giving Ronon a wary look. "I don't think he fully comprehends how important I am."

"You'll be fine. Ronon won't hurt you." Sheppard gave Ronon a telling look. "Stop making him freak out. I know it's fun, but he won't be any use to you if he's scared out of his mind that you'll cut his throat, alright?"

"Right, that's right, listen to your leader. No throat cutting. In fact, no harming whatsoever of the scientist. The scientist is precious, you want the scientist to live."

"Scientist. Live." Ronon grunted for effect. He frowned at Rodney.

Rodney took a step back.

Sheppard gave what he thought was a stern look and growled, "Ronon."

Teyla shook her head and sighed. Men.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter the Fifth: Walk this way.**

Sheppard knew Ronon wouldn't harm Rodney; he also knew Rodney knew that and just liked to pretend he didn't like Ronon. In reality, the two got along just fine. Sheppard thought they liked each other because, for the most part, they could be who they were, accepting each other as is.

"Alright, guys, doesn't seem like there's anyone watching us, so let's try and head for the gate. Any ideas which way that'd be?" No sooner had Sheppard finished his sentence that he felt a sting all over his body. "AH!"

He heard similar reactions from his team. "What the hell!" He looked around for the provenance of the sting, but saw nothing and no one.

"It's those things they threw!" Rodney was looking down at himself in disgust.

"What?"

"Look at us, we're all clean!"

Sheppard wasn't following. "And that's bad because?"

The sneer was a thing of beauty. "Because they pelted us with food? Remember? I nearly died of anaphylactic shock?"

Sheppard looked down at himself. Clean. Teyla. Clean. Ronon. Clean. Rodney. Clean, except for the jam stain on his trousers from this morning's breakfast. He returned his sight to Rodney's face, confused. "How did this happen?"

There was another full-body sting.

"I'm thinking they have technology we really don't know anything about."

"In food?"

"Maybe it wasn't food."

Teyla stepped forward. "Ronon ate some of it."

Rodney turned his sneer on her. "That doesn't mean it's food! He's like a trash compactor, inhales anything that stays still for more than ten seconds!"

A shout came from behind. "START THE TASKS OR YOU WILL GET STUNG!"

Another sting, this one sharper than the previous. "Ok, guys, maybe we should get moving. It could be some sort of system they use to watch over us."

Laughter rose from nearby, as if a crowd was extremely amused. "And they can hear us." Applause rose from the crowd. "So, I guess we should really get moving." Shouts and more applause greeted Sheppard's statement.

"Wow, Sheppard, you're really the King of Stating the Obvious Land. No, no, don't tell me, middle name's Akhos, right? I thought there was something familiar about the stup–" Rodney jumped. "HEY!"

He looked at his team-mates who hadn't seemed affected by the quick shock. "How come I'm the only one who got it this time?"

"I believe it would be wise to refrain from mocking the people of this world," Teyla said sagely.

"I wasn't mocking them! I was mocking Sheppard!" Rodney turned toward the stone arena. "Got that? I wasn't mocking _your_ remarkable idiocy, I was mocking –" The scientist jumped again and decided silence was golden, in this case.

Sheppard snorted as cheers and applause sounded from behind. He let Rodney suffer through a few seconds of discomfiture before reprising his role as serious military man with the plan. "Just…go before we get hit again. Be careful, don't get separated." He hoped the look on his face conveyed what he was really thinking, something along the lines of gate home, be safe, be good, don't die.

"Yeah."

Sheppard nodded; Ronon got him.

He looked down at the map he held, listening to Rodney's fading voice. Teyla stood close, looking at the map as well. There was a cross, not far from their position, and a dot, blinking in what seemed to be a 'you are here' manner, or at least Sheppard hoped. "That's us."

Teyla raised an eyebrow at him.

"Yeah, ok." He took his P-90 in hand and stopped stating the obvious. "Let's go."

She nodded and they broke into a light jog, side by side.

The woods darkened as they penetrated further, but not enough to warrant the use of flashlights. Tall trees towered over them, forming a canopy that blocked the sunlight, letting a small amount filter through. The smell of damp, trees, moss and other things Sheppard associated with forestry was sharp though not unpleasant. The silence was heavy and he was surprised; he should be hearing McKay, they couldn't have gone that far, could they? He shook his head. No use thinking about the rest of his team. He had to focus on keeping himself and Teyla safe. Birds cried high above them and things he had no wish to encounter moved through the underbrush. He sneaked a glance at the map and saw that they were heading too far to the left.

"This path won't lead us to the cross, we need to go right."

Teyla nodded and followed his lead. She should really be the one carrying this map; she had a much better sense of orientation. John knew he was useless on land, but would never tell. It was his secret; he could map land from sky, know where to settle his craft and where to go, but once he got down he was lost. Yeah, big secret, as if his team hadn't figured that one out already; John Sheppard was mystery no more; his cover was blown.

He glanced at Teyla as she passed through a streak of light. It made her skin glow, her hair shine and he eyes squint. They'd be fine. They'd be just fine.

They had to adjust their way a few more times before reaching the cross on the map which turned out to be set in the middle of an aggressive river. Its flow rumbled and tumbled and shone in the bright light that was unobstructed by trees. A wide, sturdy-looking rope stretched from one side to the other. It moved in the wind, dipping low over the water, but never low enough to be wet. Sheppard turned to Teyla, who was studying the rope. "I think this is you."

"I agree." She turned to him and smiled.

There was a hiss and Sheppard turned toward the water, seeing a floating branch disappear, seemingly eaten by the water. "Ok, that…could be a problem."

"I will not fall."

"That's a really good idea, Teyla."

She studied him for a moment then reached out.

The sting had them both flinching. "Guess they want us to move on. I'll look for a way to get across."

She nodded. "I will see you on the other side, Colonel."

He stepped away and watched as she grasped the end of the rope that was attached to a tree nearby. She pulled herself to a sitting position, her muscles bulging, moving beneath the smooth skin. The rope swung from side to side, spurred into movement by her kinetic energy. Both hands on the rope helped her rise to her feet and take Sheppard's breathe away.

Agile, she was like a circus act, a tightrope or trapeze artist, those who lived far above the earth, moving across or flying through the air in graceful arcs. Sheppard had dreamed of joining the circus as a boy; it had been his first incline towards the heights. He had wanted to be them, to fly as they flew, to defy ground, laugh in the face of gravity. Now, he watched as beauty rose, arms outstretched, legs solid and angling just right.

Teyla moved across the rope, as regal as ever. Back straight, hair flowing through the wind, kissed by the sunlight. He was witnessing perfection. He had always thought she was most beautiful when she fought, but he had been wrong. She would never be more enthralling, enticing, then she was here.

He prayed she would not fall. Certainly, the faiths, or gods, or whatever powers that allowed them to return home time after time would not allow such exquisite flawlessness to be undone.

He watched, marvelled and hoped. Then he was stung and moved away.

**--OOOOO--**

Kilometres away, a lesser perfection was at work.

"Don't touch that one! It's not that! Look, just bring them and pile them here!"

Rodney huffed as Ronon continued to ferret the devices from under fallen debris. He muttered to himself, as was his usual way of work. "Core of Stone, what's that! Can't they name things properly anywhere! It's Naming thing for Morons 101. That's what it is." He took a device, thought at it, threatened it, flattered it, flirted with it and ultimately discarded it with an angry sound.

"Why don't you have the gene yet? Uh? How come Carson hasn't given you the treatment?"

Ronon deposited a pile of device on the ground, as close to McKay as he could get them without mixing his piles. He straightened and shrugged. "Didn't ask."

"How come he didn't offer! What if, one day, me and Sheppard are out of commission and you need a gene, huh? What'll happen then! I'll talk to him. You need to be tested. More genes, we need more genes, I don't care who the carrier is!"

Ronon nodded and went to fetch the remaining devices that scattered the room. He sent a judging look at the roof of the cavern. These people liked rocky surroundings for their playthings, Ronon supposed. He didn't think the large beams that seemed to be holding back the mountain above their heads would collapse, but one could never be too careful. He had arranged for McKay to be closer to the door at all time. The scientist had not put up much of a fight, happy to stay seated while Ronon brought him work. Ronon smiled lightly, amused despite himself. Not a big secret that McKay, was he not running around the galaxy filled with nervous energy and the burning need to learn, would grow as large as the whales that populated the Lantian Ocean in body and encompass the whole of the universe in mind. So, Ronon had taken advantage of the scientist's laziness and love of knowledge to keep him safe; if rumble sounded, his team-mate would get out safely.

An Ancient-looking object flew past his head and he turned to see McKay already fondling another, muttering darkly under his breath. Ronon picked up the last device and placed it in the last pile. He then started to collect those that were of no use and moved them away from Rodney's eager hands. Once it was done, he settled by the door and waited, his weapon at the ready.

He thought of the image that had risen from the box. Trucks, they had been called. They looked like no animals he had ever encountered. In fact, it looked like something taken directly from a…those things they watched on team-nights, meant for the TV box. Movies, that was it. They looked like…

"McKay."

"Busy."

"What are the things they use to make other unreal things happen in the movies?" Ronon really didn't care whether Rodney was busy or not. He could listen and handle a device at the same time.

"What?" Rodney was taken out of his device-induced haze by the question.

"Those things that make it seem like things are real, in the movies. Like the light weapons you said didn't exist, the Black Man and the little guy used in their fight."

"Could you be more cryptic please, you're making too much sense, I'm about to hallucinate."

"The movie that you and Sheppard think is us. It has false things that look real and you said they were…that thing."

"Star Wars? Are you talking about Star Wars? Why are you disrupting me with talks of Star Wars when I have very important things to do!"

"Not the movie. The thing that makes false things seem real. Those you thought shouldn't be messed with."

"Special effects?"

"Yeah," Ronon said, leaning back against the rocky surface. He heard Rodney curse him and his shaggy mane before the muttering returned to the devices.

They'd be out of here in an hour, two tops, Ronon thought with a strange sense of pride.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes: **Everyone doing alright? No one's suffered any brain injuries such a leaks or explosions? Good :) Thank you so much for the lovely comments! You crack me up and make happy!

**Chapter the Sixth: Takin' care of business.**

Teyla felt the rope beneath her feet shift, but she did not let it imprint on her mind. She was stepping on the solidity of ground; it did not shift underneath her feet. The ground supported her weight. She was walking, simply, as she did everyday.

When she judged she was half-way across the river, she lowered herself, hands first, eyes never leaving the tree line. Her hands gripped the rope and she lowered a knee, keeping the other leg extended, following the line of her back. She took one hand off the rope and retrieved the vial from her vest pocket. Uncorking it with thumb and first finger, she held the metallic wire between her remaining fingers and dipped the vial in the river, holding it away from herself. When it was full, she thought for a moment, looking for a way to cork it.

Finally, she decided it was better to risk a slight injury then a fall in the burning waters, so she slowly worked the wire between her fingers and brought the vial opening to the cork. She felt a burning pain on her thumb as the cork fell into place, but had not the time to look. Putting the no-longer-dripping vial in her vest, she expected the nylon to hiss upon contact, but it did not. She felt it was a mystery best left for the riverbank, or possibly Rodney.

Leaning back on her knee, Teyla brought the leg from the air back down so her foot would anchor her and she rose, slowly, extending her arm, feeling the space she could occupy and once more thinking only of solid ground.

She was agile, had always been, able to stand on the narrowest of post, jump from feet to hands with amazing dexterity. He father had attributed it to magical powers, to blessings from the Ancestors, but now she knew the Ancestors blessed no one, and gave the credit to her mother. Powerful muscles, light bones, a strong mind and perfect balance kept her above the waters.

She stepped ever closer to the riverbank, escaping thoughts that might deter her. Nothing existed but her body, nothing mattered but the placement of foot before foot. The air under her hand seemed denser and she let herself rest upon it, holding herself upright with its support.

When finally, she made it to the other side, she jumped lightly and her mind welcomed her back with a powerful thought. John.

She turned and saw him standing further down the bank. He raised a hand and she did the same. Yes, I am here, we are both here. We have made it through this one; it brings us closer to home. A sound drew her attention away from the man.

A bridge of boulders separated by a foot of air ran beside the rope she had crossed. She stared.

Sheppard ran to the end opposite her. He reached for the top of the stony bridge and hoisted himself up to the first boulder, immediately grabbing for the rope that hung in the air. She held her breath as he crossed from the first to the second boulder, willing him not to slip and fall. It held him upright, as did the other. He crossed all the way to the side of the river she occupied his hands sliding over the coarse rope.

He jumped from the last boulder and landed a few feet from her. She drew close as he rubbed his hands together.

"I guess I held on a bit too tight," he said, with a grin. His hands were reddened, covered with small cuts from the coarse rope he had gripped.

She dug through her pack and took out a sanitizing wipe. "Then we are fortunate we still have these." She reached for his hand, but he drew it away.

"That's fine; I'll do it, thanks."

She reached out quickly, held on to the captured wrist and wiped the possible infections away. He hissed and she gentled her touch. She felt the antibacterial properties of the wipe on her burnt thumb and realised she had barely felt the injury after it occurred.

"You don't need to –"

"Carson would not forgive me for allowing you to be infected. Nor would you, if your hands were to come to harm."

"I don't think it's –"

"Other hand," she said, releasing his left. She smiled when he brought forth his right. Perhaps the wipes were a tad overdone, but as he was the only one she had left, she would take good care of John Sheppard, as she knew he would her.

"You were amazing, there. I didn't know you could do that."

She raised her eyes to his. "I can do many things."

He smiled, an eyebrow raised in question. Thinking that Akhos the Thirty-seventh could benefit from the colonel's expertise, she sharply tapped the back of Sheppard's hand and put away the wipes. "You will stop entertaining such thoughts about my person, John Sheppard!"

"What," he said with false innocence, amusement dancing in his eyes. "I didn't say anything!"

She shook her head and shouldered her pack. "Shall we go?"

He took the small stone out of his pocket and consulted the map. "Yeah. It's that way," he said, pointing to the right.

They jogged at a comfortable pace again.

**--OOOOO--**

"If it's not one of those, you'd better shoot me."

"Can't, Sheppard'd be pissed-off."

"Oh wow, that's comforting," Rodney said with a displeased look that quickly morphed into a smug smile as the device in his hand glowed blue at him. "There you are, baby." He stroked and cooed, his attention riveted. "And what is it that you do, hmm?"

Ronon moved to the doorway, amused, as always, by McKay's love of Ancient devices. Rodney did not register movement, intent on finding what the little bundle of joy could do. He thought activate, but it did not result in much. He thought on, go, do it and still it didn't obey. He huffed and raised his eyes to the heavens, but on their way there, they settled on something less reassuring.

"Oh shit!" Rodney scrambled to his feet. "Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit." He glared at the device in his hand. "Did you do this? Is that what you do?" He looked around and supposed it made sense, given the abundance of the material.

He walked over to his…team-mate, or a very good representation of it. Ronon would've done well as a statue; he did now. A harsh breath escaped Rodney. "Damn it." He ran a hand over the stony square of Ronon's shoulders. "If it looks like Ronon, feels like rock and is unmovable like a rock _and_ Ronon, then am I to deduce that it is in fact Rock-Ronon?"

He glared at the device again. "You filthy tease. You could've told me!" He thought at it. Off, stop, don't do it. It stopped glowing and Ronon remained rocky. "Oh, not good, not good." Rodney thought on, go, do it and it glowed again. He let out the breath he had been holding.

"Ok, ok, ok, let's just. Think about this. Think about it. Come on, McKay. You can get Ronon back."

He thought, and thought, and thought. He paced, paced some more. He paced until he decided his surroundings were too stuffy and he headed out of the door.

He got stung, as did Ronon. It seemed that Rock-Ronon was not fond of the sting, for he collapsed into a pile of rubble.

"Oh les crap!" Rodney found his French, stumbled on his own feet and went down to meet the ground.

"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM!" he shouted when he felt the sting again and all the little pieces of Rock-Ronon jumped. The sting kept coming until he returned to the cave. "Oh." His eyes were wide, his brain was whizzing. He continued to think at the device, but all the words he tried made him fear he was turning the rest of his team to rocks. "Ooooh," he said, when he saw the reddish glow of a discarded device lying by what used to be Ronon's, uh, foot?

He picked it up and thought on, loud and clear. It hummed happily and the blue glow from the other device disappeared. "Oh, right."

Rodney thought on, go, do it. Come on, work for daddy.

"Oh, for god's sake! Activate you little piece of –"

The rubble rose in a very disturbing reverse of its earlier collapse and Ronon stood before Rodney, blinking.

"Hey," Rodney greeted him, relief on his face and warmth in his voice, before he realised what he was doing and covered his humanity with a cough.

Ronon spit sand.

Rodney frowned and started to put his belongings in his pack. "We can go, I have the devices."

"McKay."

"They work, both of them. Can you believe it, two, we needed two. I know what they do, pretty stupid if you ask me but –"

"McKay." Ronon advanced on the scientist, who held his pack before himself.

"Look, all ready, we can go now. Go, go, go. Ready. Let's go. Here, I'll lead the way." Rodney tried to sidestep the man, but a hand gripped his collar. Rodney gulped loudly when Ronon lowered his face a mere inch away from Rodney's sweaty skin.

"You ever turn me into something again I'll chop your chubby little fingers off and make a talisman out of the bones."

"You can't hur– woah!" Rodney was released and would've fallen on his behind had Ronon's large hands not closed around his upper arms and stabilised him. Ronon seemed amused as he manhandled Rodney under the pretence of straightening the man's stance.

"Which way?" Ronon asked, as if he had not just threatened Rodney's precious hands, or as if he had not been turned to rock and back.

"Uh…" the map was pulled out of the pack. "That way, definitely that way."

The two men moved on, unconcerned by the events that had just occurred, already thinking of what laid in the area pinpointed by a cross on the map. Ronon kept a close eye on his scientist as they stomped through the woods


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter the Seventh: Carry on wayward son**

Teyla ran a finger over the Ancient words. She could make out some of them, but not enough to help Sheppard with his Task. Sheppard stood a few steps behind, squinting at what he hoped would become a pattern.

She stepped back when he moved closer and reached out to follow the trace of a word. "What does this one mean?"

"I do not know, but the one before means honour." She doubted it would help, but one could not devise what clues would prove to be useful.

"Honour…" Sheppard squinted some more before stepping back and crossing his arms. "I got nothing. What about you?"

Teyla regretfully shook her head. "I cannot see anything."

Sheppard ran a hand through his hair. "We could use McKay on this."

"I believe we could use both Ronon and Rodney."

"You're right about that." He let his hands drop by his side and sighed.

"They are well. We will find them soon."

Turning toward her, John nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, sure." He stood before the first door and examined the symbols. After a moment, he spoke to her. "Can you tell me the symbols you know, again?"

Teyla approached him and pointed. "This one is honour. Sight. Chant. Fall. Solid."

Nodding, he repeated them. "Does it make any sense to you?"

"It does not."

"What about those?" He pointed to the words above the doors.

"Those are unfamiliar to me as well, but I believe this one might mean Plentiful."

"Great."

They continued to stand before the door until Sheppard let out a curse. "You know what, screw this! There has to be another way in."

He moved to the side of the rocky surface, away from the door. Teyla followed, observing their surroundings. The same trees that made this forest encircled them, and though they were tall enough to block the sunlight the stone rose far higher than they did. The door was tall and wide, leaving no doubt that it would be immovable without a healthy amount of firepower. As she followed John, the ground rose higher. He jogged ahead and as long as she could see him, she did not feel the need to hurry. He left his hand on the rock and stopped occasionally to look at what had caught his touch.

He stayed longer at one of those locations and she hurried to join him. "You have found something?"

"We could climb here. There's a ledge. Maybe we'll see the gate."

She held her breath but the sting of reprisal didn't come. He must've shared her thoughts, for he too released a breath in relief. "It is worth a try, Colonel."

"Alright. Do you want to go first?"

She didn't like the thought of leaving him alone on the ground, but danger didn't seem imminent. She nodded and evaluated the rocky surface. John was right; there was an easy path to the ledge. She grabbed on to the first hand-rest and lifted herself from the ground. She found a resting place for her feet before searching above her head for another place to grab. Her hand moved to a fissure in the rock and she moved on higher. The rhythm of the climb came naturally, her body moving as if it knew where to land, which direction held the most secure dips and curves of the rock. Its surface was harsh and grainy, not at all the smoothness she had expected; it made it easier for her feet to dig into the unyielding hardness. She reached the ledge faster than she would've expected and smiled, proud of a task well done. She looked down when Sheppard shouted out.

"You ok up there?"

"I am well. Come."

"Coming up."

She let her eyes roam over the forest. She was not high enough to see over the trees, but as the terrain had been steadily climbing, she could see some of the ground they had covered, where the trees were sparser. The river looked calm from above as it flowed near the rocky walls they had climbed. She checked on John's progress and saw that he was more than halfway up. He would be sweaty and wincing when he reached her, of that she was certain. He had so little of the discipline needed to keep his body in the best shape possible, so he was often in pain, or on his back in the training room, she thought affectionately.

She searched the horizon for something to assist them, in vain. Trees all around her and a wall of stone at her back made it so there was little to see.

Finally, Sheppard reached her and as predicted was in no better shape then when he had left the ground. She, on the other hand, had found the stretch of the climb rather pleasurable. Well, she allowed him his weaknesses; he was an impressive man despite of them.

His face fell when he reached the conclusions she had. "Wow, bad view."

"There is little to see."

They heard a high-pitched squeal echo above the trees. "Good acoustics though."

"I do believe I have heard such a cry before."

"Me too."

They fell silent, listening in puzzlement.

The high-pitched squeal came again, longer and louder than before.

"Damn…"

"Is that…"

In perfect unison, they called out to the source of the sound.

"RODNEY!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" was Rodney's response.

It was obvious he had not heard them. They continued to listen in hope as the sound came closer, louder. It was soon followed by a loud rumbling.

Sheppard lowered himself over the ledge. "Stay here, keep an eye on things. I'll be right back." No sooner had he finished those words that his hand lost its grip on the rock and he fell.

His scream was considerably lower, but his eyes just as wide as Rodney's, Teyla imagined. "JOHN." She uselessly reached out for him.

**--OOOOO--**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Rodney ran as fast as he could, screaming, huffing, puffing and probably certain he was dying.

Ronon followed closely, urging him on. "RUN! STOP SCREAMING AND RUN!"

He pressed a hand to the scientist's back in the hopes of quickening his speed. He could feel the ground shaking from the beasts' hooves. As large as the trunk of the trees that surrounded them, that's how big those legs were, and if McKay and he were caught in that stampede, they were condemned. Therefore, Ronon pushed and urged him to move.

He felt the breath of the lead beast on his legs and knew they were in need of a plan. Something needed to be done. "FASTER!" he shouted, that being his only plan at the moment.

"I CAN'T!"

"FASTER! MOVE IT!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

He moved to McKay's side and grabbed his upper arm, pulling the bulky man and driving his speed into him.

"I CAN'T!"

"SHUT UP, JUST RUN!"

"TOO FAST!"

"FASTER!"

Ronon knew McKay could not keep this speed for long. They needed something, or McKay would fall and then what would Ronon do? He wouldn't be fast enough to kill all those beasts before they trampled his team-mate.

It was, as always, Rodney who found the solution.

They had reached a high wall of rock and were running alongside it. It curved, roughly a hundred metres ahead, but not as smoothly as it might've, for damaged had been done over time.

"BREAK! THERE!" Rodney screamed, and pointed as he ran.

A few seconds run away the rock had broken, leaving a hole large enough for himself and Rodney to fit into, but too small for the animals to follow. Ronon marvelled at their newly acquired don't-die plan. "SEE IT."

They nodded at each other and set their sight on salvation. Seconds passed, as did distance, and when they drew level with the alcove, Ronon stuffed Rodney into the break in the wall and followed. The beasts never stopped and the top left horn of one ripped through Ronon's leg. He released McKay as he was pulled away. Twisting his body, ignoring the pain, he managed to climb upon the back of the animal and hold on. The horn had ripped through, leaving him bloodied, and he had twisted his knee as his leg had been caught between the two left horns when he tried to avoid a fall to the ground.

The beast beneath him bucked, but Ronon held on, not allowing himself to be dislodged so easily. He was jerked from one side to the other as the beasts changed direction. From atop, he could detail them more closely. They had a hard skin, not quite scales but something similar. Their backs where wider than Ronon's bed and nearly as long. He turned around, facing its head rather than its hindquarters, hissing as his leg followed gingerly. The Trucks had large flapping ears and a long snout. Small, dark eyes fixed to the front and as large a mouth as Ronon had ever seen sucked in air.

The beast bucked again, but Ronon held on, feeling the distance between himself and his team-mate grow. He turned around again, facing the beasts that followed the one he rode. Keeping one hand firmly attached to the folds of the beast's skin, he took out his weapon and brought the herd down from the rear. Kill, find team, go home. He felt the burn in his leg but it barely registered on his conscious mind. There were more important things than pain.

**--OOOOO--**

Sheppard's head was spinning, his back was aching, and he really didn't want to move, not even to answer Teyla's shouts.

"Colonel!"

"Yeah," he croaked, before clearing his throat and taking a deep breath. "Yeaaaaah." He winced. "Crap, that hurt."

"Colonel! Are you ok?"

He really hoped she winced at the question, because it was a spectacularly stupid one. "Yeah, just dandy."

"Can you get up?"

He waved a hand in what he hoped the affirmative and rolled over to his side. "Not a good move." Despite the definite error in his plan, he continued to roll over until he was facedown. He laid his hand flat on the ground and pressed up.

He didn't rise. "Ok, John, you're no wimp." He went in search of strength he didn't think he had and pressed.

He drew himself up to his hands and knees and froze. Only Teyla's questioning shout put motion back in his immediate future. He rose to his knees and from there to his feet. He swayed in the light wind and turned, reaching out to lay a hand on the rock wall. He exhaled slowly, fighting a slight bout of nausea. "Down, stay down, stay down," he muttered to the ingested food.

He heard the loud rumbling sound drawing close. He raised his head to Teyla, who was staring down, stretching her neck to see around the rock that blocked her view. He returned his sight to his level in time to see a herd of, what had they been called now…Trucks? Yeah, that was it…he was taken out of his name recall by the sight of Ronon, riding backwards on one of those things, shooting the ones unfortunate enough to bring up the rear. Massive beasts that looked a little like triceratops on steroids fell as a reddish pulse engulfed them. Sheppard stood, watching, dumbstruck for long seconds before he thought to yell out, as Teyla was doing.

Too late, the herd stomped pass and Ronon was gone.

Teyla shouted from above. "RODNEY! ROOOOOOOOOOODNEY!"

Sheppard rewound the memory and noted the distinct lack of Rodney. He leaned against the rock and limped forward. He reached the point where the wall curved away and peered around the corner. Beasts were laid at regular intervals, shot down by Ronon.

He joined Teyla in her calls. "RODNEY! RODNEY MCKAY! ROOOOODNEY!"

He limped forward, passing more beasts. Sweat fell into his eyes and he blinked it away, not trusting his body to hold him was he to take his hand off the rocks. No way was he letting go of his P-90, in case one of those things wasn't all the way dead. Unlikely, but still, one had to move prudently amongst freaky, gigantic, dinosaur look-alike.

"ROOOODNEY!"

"SHEPPARD?"

"RODNEY!" He saw the head pop out of the rock and attempted to run toward it. It was a valiant attempt that brought him a step of two further than he had been.

"SHEPPARD!" Rodney extricated himself from the stone and ran forward. He was red in the face, panting, dirty and panicked to no end, but what a great sight he made.

Sheppard stilled, judging that McKay would reach him just as fast was he to move or not. He rested his back against the rock wall and waited. Hands reached for him, his arm was draped over broad shoulders and he was in motion before he had the time to catch his breath.

"What happened to you? Where's Teyla? Did you see Ronon; was he alive? Did you kill those? Are you ok? You're not bleeding internally are you, because we can't help you with that! Did you break anything? Is Teyla ok? What are you guys doing here? Have you finished your Tasks? Are they dead, they're really big, if they wake up we're in trouble, and I lost my gun. Can you handle your P-90? What am I saying, you can't even stand up, how are you going to handle the kick on that thing. You should give it to me. No, you should give it to Teyla. Where is she? She's not…she's…ok…right?"

Sheppard waited for Rodney to take a breath before slipping into the conversation. "Teyla's fine. She's up there, see?" He pointed to the ledge, not far away from their position, upon which Teyla stood.

"Oh," McKay whispered, sagging slightly before remembering he was actually holding Sheppard upright. "What about you? What'd you do?"

"I –"

"You fell, didn't you? God, you're such a moron. Just because Teyla does it, doesn't mean you can too. You're not like her; you don't have her super-warrior powers."

"I didn't fall!"

"He did."

Sheppard frowned at Teyla, who peaked over the ledge at them. "I fell going back down, not up."

"You fell down. Wow, what a feat. Falling _down_. As I've said: moron," Rodney retorted, lowering John to the ground. "Where's your pack?"

It landed at his feet a few beats before Teyla.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes: **Total chapter count is 11. Should be posted soon, only a quest for titles and typoes is standing in the way! Thank you, guys, for the giggle-inducing, happy-making comments :)

**Chapter the Ei****ghth: Logical Song**

Rodney and Teyla helped Sheppard back to the door.

"Now that you have me, this task is going to be child's play!"

Sheppard groaned, more from oh-please-disbelief than pain. He was not displeased when he was settled, rather comfortably, against Teyla, and Rodney was put to work. "So, what's the timeframe on this?"

Rodney muttered unflattering things under his breath then saw the futility of such an exercise and spoke louder. "The timeframe is what I choose it to be, now shut up, I'm thinking." Lucky bastard, he added as thought, there he goes, all cosy with Teyla because he fell, while I, who have been forced to sit in a damp cave, run at crazy speeds obviously better suited to beast than man and be generally traumatised by a Giant Mountain Man, get to work more. No nice to see you, Rodney, no nothing. Just work.

"Rodneeeeey?"

Sheppard received a dark glare for his efforts and smiled. It sent Rodney in a fit of additional mutterings. He turned to the door and talked himself through it. Rodney recognised most of the words, as well as the ones above the door, but could make neither sense nor surmise anything helpful from them. "The choice has been made, fortify it." He repeated it, hoping it would give him a clue, or that Teyla and Sheppard would hear and he wouldn't have to ask for their opinion. Sheppard was good at sticking his nose in Rodney's work and commenting. "The choice has been made, fortify it."

"What's that mean?"

"Obviously, that we have to choose the right word." Rodney got that part, but which word was it? He looked at them all. Chant. Honour. Sight. Fall. Solid. Curve. Haste. Praise. Hold.

"What are the words?"

"Chant. Honour. Sight. Fall. Solid. Curve. Haste. Praise. Hold."

Sheppard whistled. "Got your work cut out for you."

Rodney ignored his friend. He ran his fingers over the symbols, looking for a different texture that would indicate a button, a place to insert a key they hadn't found, a place for something, anything that would move. He continued to read the words to himself as he searched for an obvious solution. Why he did so, he wasn't sure, for the Ancients were many things but obvious wasn't one of them. This was definitely of Ancient design. The people here must've stumbled upon the Ancient tech. Why the technology was always used to put them in danger, McKay hoped to discover someday, preferably while Ronon scared everyone in a ten-mile radius.

Bypassing thoughts of Ronon and his cowboy ways, Rodney turned back to the door. He concentrated on the job at hand and forgot the world around. The words continued to taunt him with their hidden secret. How was he to devise what the Ancient meant, they of the obscure ridiculousness. They thought they were so Zen and clever. Well, they weren't, because Rodney McKay could out-think them on his worst day. He settled in, opposing the door in a face-off that would surely become legendary. Not that anyone ever seemed very impressed by the miracles he made daily…but he was and that had to count for something.

"The choice has been made, fortify it. Chant. Honour. Sight. Fall. Solid. Curve. Haste. Praise. Hold."

His finger hovered over solid, but it seemed such an easy answer that he was uncomfortable with his choice. He had a bit more respect for the Ancient than that, though not much.

"It can't be chant, fall, sight or haste. That really wouldn't make any sense. Unless we're supposed to chant something, and that would be annoying."

"I do not know of a chant that carries those words."

"So not chant. Honour has nothing to do with fortifying anything, so that can't be –"

"A man, to be strong, needs only honour."

Frowning, Rodney turned toward Teyla. "What?"

"It is a saying of my people."

"Yeah, but we're not on Athos, are we?"

"I believe many of our beliefs came to us from the Ancestors themselves."

"Just great! I have to take beliefs into account! Got any tips, Mister Ascended Tarts? You're good with the ethereal nonsense."

Sheppard made a rather rude gesture in response.

"No. No? You and your girlfriends are useless. Well, ok, fine, let's leave honour in there. It can't be sight; sight has nothing to do with fortifying anything." Rodney waited a beat, but no contradictions came from his team. "Fall. Not relevant. Solid. Now, solid is the obvious choice. Maybe too obvious, so I'll come back to it. Curve. It's a possible choice. Haste. Nope. Praise...praise…well I guess you can praise someone and make them stronger. I mean – oh, praise goeth before a fall, doesn't it?"

"That's _pride_ goeth before a fall, Rodney. I'm not surprised you didn't know that."

Rodney sneered at the door trusting that Sheppard would know what type of look a comment like that deserved. Just to be safe he added a spoken, "Jackass," to his sneer. "Hold. Hold. Uh…"

"Being held will strengthen the spirit."

Rodney turned and caught the beatific smile that crossed Sheppard's lips as Teyla strengthened her hold on him. "Teyla, stop squeezing him like that, you'll break his ribs." He smiled with satisfaction when Teyla grew concerned and lightened her embrace.

"Spoilsport," Sheppard muttered sulkily.

Teyla laughed and Rodney hummed his answer. He sighed and reached for his pack when no brilliant insight came from staring at the door. He missed the words exchanged sotto voce by his team-mates as he pulled his Super-Genius paraphernalia out of his pack.

"He's ok."

"He seems to be."

"Oh, no no no no no. Not, not you, not again." Rodney sat down, utterly dejected. Could this day get any worse?

"What?"

"It broke," Rodney said, cradling his data-pad in his arms. It was the fourth one that was smushed this year and Elizabeth would not be pleased. "Look at it." He held it away from himself just enough for several pieces of the cracked screen to fall. He sighed deeply.

"It's fine, you can get another."

"I know, but last time Elizabeth said I could go through the proper requisition forms and she wouldn't free one for me until it came from Earth. It'll take weeks!"

"You have your laptops."

"I don't like to take them off-world, they're too bulky."

"We'll get you one for missions."

"I'll have to transfer all the data back and forth if I take a shared one. Anyways, Elizabeth said I wouldn't be allowed."

"Rodney, shut up and get back to work."

He allowed himself another sigh before rising to his feet again. He returned the data-pad to his pack with a gentle pat. Yes, Rodney had a thing for technology. He loved it and was sorry to see it go to pieces uselessly like that. Sorting through his effects, looking for other breaks, he laid a hand on a device he did not instantly recognise. He pulled it out and memory flooded.

"Huh."

"What? Rodney. Huh what?"

"This is for rock."

"Ok."

The scientist turned toward Sheppard and Teyla. "No, I mean, I can make and unmake rock."

"How's that?"

"Well, it's the Centre of Rock or whatever they called it."

"The Core of Stone," Teyla supplied.

"Yes," Rodney said, point-snapping at her. "That thing. I found it. I turned Ronon to rock and back."

"You what!"

"Oh…I...before we were chased by those things, in the cave. It turned him into rock. The other device changes rock to, not-rock."

Sheppard stared at Rodney, then pointedly at the rock wall and back to Rodney. "You didn't think to mention you had a device that turned rock to not-rock before now?"

Rodney's chin lifted, his shoulders squared and the device bounced from hand to hand. "I didn't remember, ok? It's been a…traumatising day. First, there's this dark room and I thought I was alone then I thought you were all dead. Then I thought I'd lost you two, then we were in that stadium and I was expecting lions and swords. After that it's find the device in the mountain of crap and turn your guy to rock. See him break in tiny little pieces and put back together again! Oh, let's not forget the beasts I had to run from. Ronon yelled at me and pushed me and I couldn't go faster, ok? If we hadn't seen that crack in the rocks we'd be done for." Rodney fell to his knees, lowering his head so his nose nearly touched the dirt. "Oh God, ok. Ok. No problem, it's fine. I'm not dead; we're not dead. No one's dead. I'll just, I'll fix this and we'll go home. Oh God, oh God."

Teyla removed Sheppard from his comfy spot, letting him recline against the cold rocky surface. She kneeled beside Rodney and put an arm around his shoulders. Nothing unusual, Rodney having a – thankfully – delayed realisation of the dangers he'd faced was a perfectly normal occurrence after a day like this; McKay could take an impressive amount of stress, but once he reached the limit he lost sight of the way home. Teyla whispering soothing nothings to him was also par for the course.

Sheppard was not so fond of the losing Ronon part, the falling and hurting like hell part, nor the whole Tasks thing, but otherwise, this day had gone pretty well.

How had his life come to this, both men wondered. Rodney let Teyla's voice bring him back from the edge of running naked through the forest reciting sonnets. He concentrated on the words and let everything else slide.

"We will return home, Rodney. We found you; we are here. Home, we will be home soon; Ronon will join us, you will complete this last task and we will escape."

The sting chose an unfortunate moment to befall them. They all jumped from the sharp burn they had almost forgotten, and Rodney was once again approaching the edge. He felt the lure of wild abandonment and wanted nothing more than to go gallivanting, as free as a wild child on deserted island, or possibly go back to hide between the hardness of stone. It wasn't far; he could crawl in the hole and hide until Ronon returned with rescue, after he'd killed all those Truck things. Yes, that was an excellent idea. Oh, but to leave he would have to detach himself from Teyla and that really wasn't sounding good right now. She was nice, and if he left she'd go back to Sheppard and he'd milk this for all it was worth. Bastard. I'm fine, he said, just a little sore. I'm fine, just a little cold, and there's Teyla all warm and comforting. He's taking advantage and…

…and I'm behaving like an idiot, Rodney thought, straightening and feeling Teyla's arm fall away. "Ok, I'll…I'll be there working."

She smiled and nodded, returning to Sheppard's side now that she had taken care of Rodney's temporary condition. Rodney rose to his feet, breathed deeply and returned to the door. He held the device loosely in his hand. Red, it glowed red. This was the one that turned rock into something it wasn't.

He held it in a tight fist and thought, activate. He was not prepared for the change.

From the curses he heard coming from behind, he wasn't the only one caught off-guard.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter the Ninth: Changes**

Oh, yeah, this was fun.

Ronon rode one of the few remaining beast back to the rocky wall that had kept McKay. He and his steed had taken the herd lead, and they all followed him. He hadn't shot any for a few minutes, but if they rode off the path he chose, they suffered the consequences. These beasts were not as stupid as they looked; Ronon had killed many, but they did not stray anymore. It took only a gentle nudge and there he was, on the way back to his duty.

McKay was not stupid either, certainly not; he'd stay protected until someone came for him. No, until _Ronon_ came for him. What had he been forced to point out to the not-man just a few weeks ago? Family takes care of family? Yeah. That's right; Ronon took care of his, just as Sheppard had asked him to when he'd first come to be part of the team. He had his orders, from a leader he respected and trusted. He would not trust blindly ever again, but they had accepted him and he accepted them and now he rode a wild beast closer and closer to the breach in stone.

Oh _yeah_, this was fun.

He passed the corner of the rocky rise and rose to his feet, balancing with lesser agility due to the twinge of pain from his leg. He saw the hole that held the scientist and jumped down from the beast, letting out a grunt. Arrow piercing his leg he could ignore, but long, dirty horns digging a trench gave him a little trouble. He resisted the urge to shoot the beast. There were a mere dozen left; they wouldn't cause any trouble. He re-holstered his weapon and ran the short distance to the alcove. "McKay."

The alcove was empty. "McKay." He entered, wondering if perhaps it went further than it appeared. No, it was small and there was no way the bulky man could hide there.

He came back out in the open. "MCKAY!"

He crouched and examined the ground. There, boot prints. Two sets, one heavier than the other. He followed them around the curve of the rock. More boot prints here, a smaller pair. He felt the tight grip of anxiety recede. McKay, Teyla, Sheppard. Big boots and smaller boots. The step pattern was recognisable as Teyla's, but Rodney and Sheppard's were less stable. Ronon supposed the colonel was injured. He followed the prints until he heard voices, familiar voices.

"…be here working."

Ronon was about to speak when the hard stone beside him was no more. He heard muffled curses and startled cries. He moved back in disgust as the rock wall morphed into a web and giant bugs crept all over. He ran to his team just in time for McKay to stumble into him. They shared a momentary dance before Ronon's heavy hands landed on McKay's shoulders preventing him from bolting.

Teyla was pulling John away, but he resisted. "We need to get in! That's what we want! We have to go in. I can't believe I'm saying that." He turned his head when Teyla stopped pulling him away and spotted Ronon. "Ronon. You guys grab those packs. Teyla, help me up, we have to go through."

Ronon eyed the web and nodded. He grabbed McKay's collar firmly with one hand and dragged him over to his pack.

"No, oh, no no. We can't go in there."

Ronon grabbed the packs with his other hand and handed them to McKay, who took hold of them as an automatic response, though he continued to struggle and refuse to cross. Ronon took his weapon out, as the bugs' interest grew toward them, and shot a wide circle through which they could pass. "Get that rock-device out."

Rodney nodded, wide-eyed with fear and grimacing in disgust. "Yes, yes. Device, turn it back to rock, yes."

"Wait until we're through," was Sheppard's contribution, which helped to settle McKay.

"Thanks for the tip." He closed his eyes as Ronon pushed him through the web.

Then, they stood between rock walls again, as did numerous bugs that had fallen to the ground. Teyla had her P-90 working, the sound rising up over the walls and escaping. Sheppard was struggling with a rather large spider that seemed to bring back unwanted memories. Rodney yelped and jumped back one way and the other as Ronon shot more than his fair share.

"Why aren't you rocks! Why aren't you rocks?" the scientist demanded of the bugs.

The last oversized spider was still climbing over Sheppard, a scared Sheppard.

"Kick it," Ronon advised, knowing his commander was not so good with bugs nowadays. He shot it when it went flying. Sheppard laid back, panting, the exertion of the simple fight too much to bear in his condition. Teyla helped him sit up, though he refused to recline against the bug-wall. Ronon eyed the opposite wall distrustfully; what hid within that stone?

Rodney fidgeted with the device and let loose with his usual babbling. Ronon pushed him forward so he would stand beside Sheppard. The colonel was much better with him than Ronon could ever be. Teyla retrieved the canteen from her pack and held it to Sheppard lips. He brought a hand up to take it from her, but she batted it away. She helped him drink before offering it to McKay. He wiped the rim, took a large gulp and then stretched out his arm, offering the canteen to Ronon.

Once they were hydrated, Teyla had practiced her first aid skills on Ronon and the packs were on their backs, all eyes turned to Rodney.

"Next one," Sheppard said.

McKay shook his head.

"Come on, Rodney. There's no other way to do this."

"I'll figure it out." Rodney moved to stand before the door and made a great production of studying the symbols.

Ronon knew it was all for show, as did Sheppard.

"McKay. Give me the device."

McKay turned to Sheppard, the device un-cleverly concealed behind his back. Ronon swooped in and snatched it in a second.

"Hey! That's mine!"

Ronon handed it to Sheppard who smiled tightly. "I need the other one."

Ronon took a step toward McKay, turning his menacing glare to its fullest. McKay took a step back, encountering the wall. Ronon stood mere inches away, as he had earlier. He knew using his size to intimidate his friends was not the best idea, but it worked well for their team, so he didn't mind it so much.

The pugnacious chin lifted, the shoulders squared and Rodney glared at Ronon, experiencing a sudden attack of what Sheppard termed as balls. Ronon moved away, allowing Rodney to snatch back the device.

"You're in no condition to be operating delicate technology," Rodney said haughtily. "And let me state for the record that we shouldn't be doing this. Who knows what's in there. There could be…there could be Iratus bugs."

Sheppard winced. "Low-blow, McKay. Way low, even for you."

McKay avoided answering. They all knew one did not talk of the Iratus bugs in front of Sheppard. It was a touchy subject, off-limit, forbidden. Mostly, they abided to the it-didn't-happen rule, but sometimes Rodney used it, because he lacked the filtration system most human being had on their brain, which caused him to blurt out whatever crossed his mind. They all knew that and forgave him much more than they should. He forgave them their underhanded tactics and merciless teasing, so it worked out well.

"Ready," Rodney asked, as he thought hard at the device.

Curses aplenty followed as more bugs flooded the small rounded space between the two rock walls.

The next three walls felt like déjà vu.

Then, there were snakes, and they discovered Teyla's phobia. Ronon picked her up with one arm and she was not too proud to cling.

"Some things are not meant to be explained," she said, once they had all turned back to rock. "They are just horribly slimy and we learn to live with it."

Rodney wondered secretly what Ronon was afraid of and whether they would face it today.

They would not, but two walls of snakes later, they were all on edge.

"This has to end eventually! We won't be doing this for long, eh? It's been, what, hours already and it's gross upon gross and –"

"Rodney, it's been half an hour at most. Just do it and stop thinking about it."

"Where do they get all these things, anyways? How do they get them all up here and turn them to stone. How many snakes can you have on one planet! It's ridiculous! So far we've encountered recognisable things. Oversized and disgusting, but recognisable. What if they've trapped Wraith, in here? Uh? What'll we do then? Giant Wraiths, a whole wall of them! Dozens and dozens of Wraith!" He groaned at the thought.

"You're just scaring yourself, stop thinking about that stuff, think at the device."

Rodney nodded and the wall dissolved.

Time after time, bugs, snakes and rodents. All oversized, all angry, all terribly disturbing. When they finally reached the last circle, they all breathed a sigh of relief.

It was the smallest circle they had been within, allowing them just enough space to comfortably accommodate their personal space bubble, plus one. In the middle, at the very centre of the large circle encompassing all the others, rested a putrefying body. It was lucky that the walls rose high and negated the need for a roof, because the smell alone would've melted stone.

Sheppard, who, through bull-headedness, managed to walk without – much – assistance, carefully manoeuvred a rapidly greening Rodney towards the wall. Rodney was accustomed to death, yes, but new death or very ancient death, not in between death, with the rotting flesh and the maggots. Sheppard rested a hand on Rodney's back, as much to comfort the man as to avoid plunging to the ground in a show of manly suffering. "Breathe, McKay. Just breathe, it'll pass."

"I can't," answered Rodney between gulps of air. "It stinks. I'll be sick, I can't smell it." He held his breath again.

"Ok. You just do that and we'll look for what we came here for." Sheppard lifted an eyebrow at Ronon and Teyla who shook their heads. There was nothing there.

Sheppard pointed to the body and mouthed, "under", leaning further against Rodney's back, thus removing himself from the equation of lifter + lifted under.

Ronon kicked the body aside. There was nothing there…until Akhos the Thirty-seventh appeared from below the ground, pushing back a cleverly concealed trapdoor.


	10. Chapter 10

Angela! You are supercalifragilisticexpialidociously delightful.

**Notes:** There will be another chapter after this, likely posted tomorrow. Now, if this doesn't make any sense...don't fight it, embrace the break from the plausible :) Also, ignore the convenience of it all. Really, coincidences like that occur everyday, trust me!

**Chapter the Tenth: Get back**

"Please don't kick Akhos the Thirty-fifth."

Nonplussed, Teyla, Ronon and Sheppard stared silently, weapons raised, until Rodney demanded answers. "Who's talking? What's that? Oh God, it's not the body is it?"

"No Rodney, the body isn't talking."

"Is it still there?"

Sheppard seemed confused. "What? The body?"

"Yeah."

"Where is it going to go?"

"I don't know. I don't know, can't whoever spoke take it away."

Sheppard raised an eyebrow at Akhos the Thirty-seventh who gave a long-suffering sigh before kicking the body until it went through the trapdoor. He shouted down the opening. "Take it away and return promptly."

There was no answer from the hole.

"It's gone now," Sheppard told McKay.

"Oh, thank God, I was begin– what is _he_ doing here?" Rodney spoke as he turned around.

"I was just going to ask him that myself," Sheppard said, resting his hands on his P-90, knowing Teyla and Ronon took similar mildly threatening poses. He feared his was closer to pathetic than threatening, as Rodney had wrapped an arm around his waist to avoid the conclusion of John's body-meets-ground extravaganza.

"I have come to accompany Akhos the Thirty-sixth to the Taskmaster's circle and remove you from here, at the Masterich's orders."

"What does the Masterich want with us?"

"He wishes you to be removed, discreetly, from our world."

Rodney lifted his chin and frowned. "Why? Why now? Why not, hmm, let's say, this morning!"

"No one has ever broken the secret of the Core of Stone, not even Akhos the Taskmaster himself, and no one has ever progressed this far in the Tasks. The Masterich has no intention of cursing his daughter with the Akhos name," Akhos the Thirty-seventh explained, mournfully.

"We cannot be allowed to complete the Tasks, or the Masterich would be made to renege on his promise?"

Akhos smiled at Teyla. "Indeed, that is the situation in which Masterich Povall finds himself."

"Ok, so, what about the Taskmaster man? Why isn't he the one coming to get us? Why is he sending you? I'd think he wouldn't trust you with a big important mission like that!"

"Akhos the Thirty-sixth will return to the Taskmaster's circle shortly."

"Then what?"

"I will officially become Akhos the Taskmaster and hope to be worthy of the Masterich's beautiful jewel."

Akhos the Taskmaster, or Thirty-sixth as he was now apparently known, climbed through the opening. "Don't be ridiculous, Akhos the Taskmaster."

"I most certainly am not!"

Both men faced each other. "You cannot truly believe an Akhos will ever be worthy of the Masterichs!"

"I believe I could be the one to change the tides."

"Foolishness! Akhos the Thirty-eighth is already in preparation!"

"There might very well be no need for his existence!"

"You are a fool!"

"You are!"

"You are!"

"You are!"

"You are!"

"You –"

"Guys, guys, not that all this isn't terribly fascinating," Sheppard said, breaking off the childishness contest, "but there was some talk about us going home?"

Akhos the Thirty-seventh-Taskmaster-man-whatever, as he would henceforth be known in John's mind, nodded, sending a vicious glare the way of the other Akhos. "Please, proceed, I will be with your shortly," he said, indicating the trapdoor.

"Wait!" Akhos the Thirty-sixth shouted in a great panic, though no one had moved yet. "I need the vial, please, beautiful lady." He smiled at Teyla.

She regarded him with tranquil eyes, hiding her disdain much better than her team-mates. She reached for the wire attached to the vial and handed it to Akhos. That done, she went down the wooden stepladder into the hole. Rodney manhandled Sheppard towards the hole as the two Akhos bid adieu.

"It has been an honour to serve you for so many years. I hope your departure is painless."

"Thank you, Akhos the Taskmaster, you have been a good son, I shall remember you fondly in my remaining days."

"As shall I, Akhos the Thirty-sixth, as shall I."

Ronon, having lowered John to Rodney's awaiting arms, while very much respecting everyone's dignity, saw the two Akhos embrace.

"Be well, Akhos."

"Be gone, Akhos."

The team waited in a dark cavern as Akhos the new Taskmaster came down the stepladder, closed the trapdoor and walked over to them. Rodney looked from the trapdoor to Akhos and back. "What's happening with the other guy?"

"He will eventually perish."

"What?"

"He will eventually perish."

Sheppard poked Rodney so he would resume his walk, as he asked for clarification. "What do you mean eventually perish? Why?"

"He is no longer wanted in society. He has displeased the Masterich."

"And you leave him in there to die? What the hell kind of people are you. No, really, I know I've said it a lot today, but, _what_ is your problem?"

Teyla smoothed the feathers Rodney had ruffled. "Is he not your father?"

"Not so wise there, Teyla, accusing the man of patricide," Rodney whispered. Sheppard snorted but disguised it as a cough, which turned into a full-blown choking episode that didn't do much for his ribs.

"No." Akhos was either a master diplomat or a complete idiot. Either way, he ignored the two men's antics.

"He called you son."

"As I shall call Akhos the Thirty-eighth son. The Masterich prefers it that way."

Their voices echoed through the carven as they rose in confusion and anger. "Ok, enough with the Akhos! What's going on here? What did we do all these Tasks for and why are we being sent home just like that?"

Akhos the Taskmaster sighed lengthily. He muttered under his breath before raising his voice so they could hear. "We Akhos provide entertainment for the court. You were the entertainment Akhos the Thirty-sixth provided. He had chosen well, for you lived when all have previously died, and this displeased the Masterich. He offers his daughters for every Tasks, with no intention of allowing the Akhos to take them. He cannot allow you to succeed, for it would undermine him throughout the Masterichade. Therefore, he asked that you be sent away."

"Didn't I just say enough with the Akhos? I don't care. Why did you have us risk life and limbs running around all day?"

"Because it is what the Masterich expects. We Akhos must provide."

Teyla frowned. "The Masterich was not pleased with Akhos the Thirty-sixth's offering so we are sent away and he is put to death?"

"What?" Akhos laughed lightly and shook his head. "No. Akhos the Thirty-sixth has filled his obligation; it is now my turn. He has mere days left, it is fortunate you came to him in the night."

"Days left for what?"

"For life," Akhos said, looking at Rodney incredulously.

Sheppard didn't really care as long as they went home, but this made no sense at all. He stopped walking, or tried to stop Rodney from manhandling him, and angled toward Akhos. "What are you talking about? What is he doing back there? We can't just leave him!"

Akhos sighed again. "Akhos has two, maybe three days left. The Taskmaster's circle will allow him to reflect on his best Tasks and spend those days pleasantly."

"He's your father!"

"He is not my father! Akhos' do not have such things as fathers!"

"Ok, that, that's just crazy! Everyone has one! Not everyone, but, it takes two, you know…" Rodney looked around at the four eyebrows that had lifted. He took his chin to new heights and exclaimed defensively, "Well it does!"

Akhos shook his head. He seemed to be finding them less entertaining by the second. "You strangers put the Masterich to great shame. How did you manage the Tasks when you are such simpletons?"

"Hey! Listen, you denied brain at birth twerp, we are not simpletons. We're much more evolved than you with your pointless games and your stupid rules and your…your murder by starvation." You could do many things to Rodney, but calling him a simpleton sat proudly at the top of the don't-list.

"There will be no murder. As you well know, you will be free to return to your world."

"I meant Akhos the Whatever you left back there! And, for that matter, Akhos the Before that was already in there!"

"Akhos do not die by starvation. We cease to function."

"Function?"

"Yes."

"How's that?"

The cavern ended. Akhos climbed the stepladder and opened another trapdoor as he spoke. "From the day of creation to the day of cessation, fifteen thousand three hundred and twenty-seven days will pass. Akhos the Thirty-sixth passed his fifteen thousand three hundred and twenty-fifth day, today. He will soon cease to function."

They all climbed out and Sheppard was relieved to see the gate, glinting in the sunlight. Teyla hurried to it and was dialling before Ronon had climbed out. Rodney was fascinated. "How do you cease to function? How do human beings cease to function?"

Akhos burst out laughing. Rodney was taken aback and he flushed slightly at the perceived insult. "What! Humans don't just cease to function after a set time! It depends!"

"Oh, I hope for Akhos the Thirty-eighth to be soon, so I can share this priceless memory with him. Akhos are not humans!"

"Uh…what?"

"We, the Akhos, are made from the Akhos that precedes us, on the Masterich's orders." He shook his head and continued to chuckle.

The wormhole came to existence and Teyla sent her IDC.

"What do you mean, made?" Rodney was not letting this go, no matter how hard Sheppard struggled to get him to move already.

"We are one and the same. The Masterich was rather fond of Akhos the First; he made us in his image so we would continue to entertain him and his people for as long as he existed. We have been providing pleasure for more than a hundred years."

"But –"

"Alright, thank you, bye bye," Sheppard said, as Ronon pulled Rodney, and himself by association, into the puddle. The last image Rodney saw of this insane world was that of a guffawing Akhos.


	11. Chapter 11

Thank you, Angela! You are the best!

**You guys! Thanks for the comment and the giggles and following the pointless insanity that was this fic :)**

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**Chapter the Eleventh: Maybe I'm amazed**

Elizabeth greeted them with anxiety. "What happened?"

Rodney's mouth was agape, Sheppard looked battered, Teyla looked confused and Ronon looked as unconcerned as he usually did, though he seemed to be favouring his right leg.

"Colonel?"

Sheppard shrugged. "What say we wait until the debrief? I think we could all do with some food and painkillers."

Elizabeth stepped back, the fear that had kept her on edge since the first missed check-in receding at the sight of Sheppard's team standing in the gateroom alive and well. Rodney kept looking over his shoulder at the gate and making a fine impression of a fish, but as none of his team-mates seemed concerned, Elizabeth felt within her right to send them to Carson without further interrogations. She watched them go, walking one beside the other, obviously tired. She returned to her desk to wait for the debriefing.

Sheppard allowed Teyla and Rodney to guide him, as he was really in need of painkillers; a heavy dose of the really good ones wouldn't go amiss.

They walked in comfortable silence, each of them reflecting on the bizarre events of the past day or so. Who knew how long it had been. Not that long, for Elizabeth had been exhibiting normal anxiety rather than the missing-for-days-where-have-you-been-medical-team-to-the-gateroom kind.

It wasn't until they had reached the corridor housing the infirmary that Rodney found his speech function. It was never too far away, but sometimes it was lost in the jumble of thoughts that raced around his brain. "Did we just risk our lives for the amusement of clone-loving Bedrock-Ren Fair?"

"Looks that way," Sheppard said.

"And we turned rocks into unpleasant things and back."

"Sure did."

"On a planet that was possibly filled with Ancient technology."

"I think so."

"And we _left_! Just like that, no trade, no sneaking around for ZedPMs?"

"Feel free to go back."

"But…Ancient tech!"

"But crazy tests for the enjoyment of the court. Did you miss the part where we were, I imagined, drugged and left in a dark rock hole? Really, go back if you want, I'll clear it with Elizabeth, but if they're copies of copies of copies or whatever the hell those Akhos were, the smarts aren't bound to get much better. How much fun would it be to yell at idiots who don't understand your insults?"

Rodney angled his head in agreement. "True. I much prefer to berate sentient beings; at least they get how stupid they are."

"Also," John said, giving Rodney **the** **eye**, "we're not calling it Bedrock. They didn't use animals in a practical but fun way."

"Maybe they did and you don't know it."

They entered the infirmary where Carson awaited. "All in one piece, today. That's a nice change." He indicated two beds. "Colonel, what have we got here?"

Sheppard pointed at Ronon. "He was bleeding, but I'm not, I wasn't."

Ronon sent a dirty look his way as Carson refocused his concern. "Were you, now? You know the drill, strip and sit." The doctor held out scrubs, wholly unconcerned by Ronon's protest. "It's just the leg!"

"Colonel?"

Rodney grinned. "He fell from a mountain."

"It wasn't a mountain."

"It was a rather high fall," Teyla supported Rodney's claim.

"You too, Colonel, strip and sit. I'll get Nurse Flannigan to assist you." Another pair of scrubs handed, another patient biting the Scottish rump.

"Teyla, lovely girl," Carson said with a smile.

"I am well, thank you, and do not believe I sustained any injuries." Her post-mission exam was nearly completed by the time Sheppard and Ronon returned in scrubs of a fetching red as one tiny, burnt patch of skin was all she had to present to the doctor.

Rodney passed the time lost in blabbering, still preoccupied by the thoughts of numerous Akhos, crazy tasks and nearly useless devices. Ronon recounted his riding exploits to a jealous Sheppard, but ceased when Carson confirmed Teyla's good health and returned his attention to the three men.

"Alright, Rodney, what have you got for me today?"

"I'm fine, completely unharmed unlike those two," he said, with a mischievous gleam in his eyes, pointing to Ronon and John with his thumb.

"Glad to hear that, I'll be rid of you soon, then."

"Carson, you're so kind toward your patient, I'll certainly regret not having the chance to spend time in this hellhole."

"I can arrange for you to stay," the doctor said sweetly and he rolled up Rodney's sleeve.

Teyla sat beside Ronon as Rodney was poked and prodded. Sheppard made himself comfortable and listened to Ronon's recounting of Rodney's task. Once the scientist was cleared, he bounced over to the occupied beds and let himself collapse on Sheppard's.

"You know what's interesting?" McKay asked innocently, with a smile that alluded to nothing good.

"No. What?" Sheppard knew he had opened a clear path to ridicule, but didn't regret it. Rodney had turned Ronon to rock; he was in so much trouble he deserved a bit of a break.

"That, out of the four of us, me and Teyla were chosen as the Sub-Taskings, but it's you and Ronon who got roughed up." Rodney's grin widened. "Seems to me, Prime-Taskings aren't all they're set up to be."

Three pairs of eyes swivelled to him; two disbelieving and one amused. The events of the day played through the men's heads; Ronon pushing Rodney in the alcove; Sheppard turning Rodney away from the body. Ronon being turned to rock; Sheppard reaching out as Rodney was pulled away. Ronon arranging devices around the scientist; Sheppard injured but comforting Rodney.

Only Teyla smiled, remembering what Akhos the Taskmaster had said._ The most impressive one, my son. The most impressive one is always the Prime-Tasking of the First Dyad. _"Rodney, I believe you are correct. Akhos made a terrible error in denying us our rightful title."

If she forgot stature was most important to the Masteriache, she could certainly believe that they had all deserved to be Prime-Taskings of the First Dyad. They worked well together; what they had achieved would not have been possible had they not all been part of it. She rose to her feet and stood between the two beds. "Shall we go get food for our poor injured?"

Rodney jumped to his feet. "Sounds good."

When they had reached the door, Sheppard yelled out, "That's right, go fetch lunch, _Sub-_Taskings."

Rodney yelled back, "You wish, Sir Limp-a-Lot!"

"Stop yelling in my infirmary!"

Sheppard grinned, settling comfortably on his bed. "Sub-Taskings, that'll never get old."

Ronon chuckled and laid back to wait for his meal.

**Fini!**


End file.
